January 18, 2016 | I moved to the Dominican Republic full-time as House Sis at Lily House.
January 18, 2017 | Celebrating and reflecting on ONE YEAR in the mission field.
Right now, the song “One Thing” by Tenth Avenue North is playing in my headphones. The first line of the chorus says, “If I’ve got nothing but You, I’ve still got everything I need.” Last year, I clearly remember coming to a place where I asked myself the question “Do I really trust God for the future? Do I really trust in His calling on my life? Do I really TRUST Him?” And I had to answer in all honesty, “No.” I wasn’t sure I could trust Jesus to really have the best for me. I felt like such a failure when I tearfully admitted this to the Lord. But imagine my surprise when instead of feeling like He was disappointed in me or ashamed of me, I felt like He was proud of me.
| God desires our honesty; God desires our hearts. |
I don’t have to put up a front with God. In admitting my lack of faith, He gently wooed me in little moments of the soul no one else could see or understand. “You’re the one thing I can’t lose when I come to the end of me.” In the end of me, Jesus can do His work. Trust. It’s coming, day by day. Today I am more confident saying with honesty, “I don’t understand my circumstances, but I trust You have good for me.”
Maybe it’s fitting that in the picture I took to commemorate today, I don’t think my feet are beautiful. I painted my toenails before going back to the States for Christmas, then my feet were near-constantly sock covered in the cold Michigan weather, only to now again be in sandals and bare-feet. They’re kind of a mess. And I’m kind of a mess. Don’t get me wrong – I know that I know that I know I’m where I’m supposed to be, and I love this life I lead, in all its craziness and transition and adjustment and joy and sorrow and light. But life is messy, and walking in obedience is messy, and relationships are messy, and ministry can be messy. The amazing thing is, God takes messes and uses them for His Glory, if we let Him. He doesn’t need us to be perfect, because He is. In my journal this morning, I wrote this:
A year that
proves I’m not perfect –
except a perfect mess in
need of Love without
End, Grace without
Question, Identity without
God brings to the table everything I’m lacking. When I think I’m not enough, He is sufficient. When I think I can’t go any further, He is strong enough to push beyond the lies and doubts and boundaries. May this next year bring more good hope, more opportunity for growth, more seeing less of me and more of Christ.